This past year has been a difficult ... devastating ... enlightening ... challenging ... blessed year. I think I have either been dizzy or breathless the majority of the time from the roller coaster style my life decided to adapt this last year, but I stayed on that roller coaster and I road it all the way. Sometimes screaming at the top of my lungs. Sometimes laughing as tears streamed down my face. My grandmother, bless her sweet soul, used to say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I thought of that a lot this year. "God will never give you more than you can handle." Such a simple statement but my grandmother believed it totally. I can tell you there were times my faith was challenged and I leaned on my grandmother's faith instead. There's a country song about the voices in our head and my grandmother's voice is in mine quite frequently. If ever I had an idol, it was her. She died in 1994 not long after she turned 94. I have a VHS tape of that birthday party and her singing Sweet Willie.
Grandma read her bible every morning sitting at the small kitchen table in her small trailer facing the little window. I can still picture her there with the sun shining in, it always seemed to encase her while she read. I remember thinking when I was a young whimsical teenager that she was reading the bible with God's glory surrounding her. I always felt she had a direct line to Jesus, that he listened to her prayers first. Grandma was the closest thing to perfect I ever knew, I thought she walked on water. "God will never give you more than you can handle." She'd lived through trials and tribulations my young mind just couldn't quite grasp so if Grandma believed that, then so must I. As I grew older, I would question some of her faith and she would just smile with love and tolerance and tell me that Jesus knew our hearts better than we did. He knew our fears, our thoughts, our dreams, our wants and our desires. Now that was a little scary. Being a teenager you have a lot going on in that small hormonal brain. When I was hurt, she would comfort me. When I was angry and confused, she would sooth me. When I was lost, she would help me find my way. There never was nor will there ever be another that touched my soul the way my grandmother did, so her words even now bring me comfort, keep me in line, or give me hope. "God will never give you more than you can handle." Those are the words I lived by this year.
In the beginning of the year we found out my husband needed to have brain surgery and we couldn't find a neurosurgeon anywhere near here that would touch him, we found one in Phoenix, Arizona. Those words ran through my mind as I sat by myself in the waiting room and waited the outcome of his surgery. I prayed but I reminded God that my grandma said he wouldn't give me more than I could handle and I couldn't handle losing Gary, just in case he needed a little help. God must have agreed with me because Gary came out of it fine. We spent the next few weeks with him learning to get his balance back and recover everything but he went back to work and life was almost back to normal. "God blesses us daily." Grandma smiled and whispered and squeezed my hand.
Then came the wedding. My baby brother was finally getting married, they had lived together for almost 6 years. I watched his eyes glisten with tears as he said his vows to her. He really loved her ... he was happy. "God blesses us daily." Life was good.
Then I came down with the Shingles. Oh my, never have I felt such pain. "God will never give you more than you can handle." Boy did I think that was a big fat lie when I was going through that, but you know what? I did handle it and I did survive it. As I began to recover, summer broke in Oklahoma. I would sit outside a little each day trying to recover my strength and just feel the glorious sunshine on my face. My sun room welcomed me again in the mornings as I drank my coffee and the birds sang, the bugs buzzed, and the trees filled out and became a canopy once again to cover and shade the backyard. The squirrels chased each other up and down the trees and across the yard. They were so playful and happy. I had missed Spring and the awakening but I could celebrate the rebirth. "God blesses us daily." Grandma's voice whispers in my head and I smile, "Yes, I am blessed."
The children came to visit for a couple of weeks. What amazing, wonderful children we have! How can anyone doubt the glory of God when they look at the gifts He has given them in their children. It humbles me to think these two marvelous human beings came from our love. A daughter and a son, how could I have ever asked for more? Our daughter came to visit and brought our wonderful grandson with her. He's growing so fast, it's hard to keep up. A teenager now, taller than me. Handsome, smart, witty, so easy to talk to and be around. He has such a wide range of interests. Yes we are blessed. Two weeks packed with activities that we could all enjoy and then some down time for me to recover until the next activity. I was still feeling the aftershocks of all our previous months, so many times I just wanted to reach out and touch their faces to make sure they were really there and not just a dream. Rob got to visit with them a lot as well. Grandpa spent time with Grandson. The two weeks went so fast, it seemed they had just gotten there before it was time for them to leave us. Saying goodbye was hard and I always cry when they leave but I know they are always just a phone call away and we'll see them again at Christmas when we go there to visit. I feel Grandma's hand squeeze mine, "Sometimes you have to let go of what you love for it to find it's way back to you." I think she had been referring to something else, probably one of my many broken hearts but it fit this as well. We do have to let our children go, we have to let them live without us. We were given a job, although a quite pleasant one, of raising that child to become an independent adult. I did a remarkable job ... my children have no problem being independent, responsible adults ... I'm just not sure I'm an independent parent. Sometimes I think I need them more than they need me. Yes, Grandma, I am blessed.
Back to Arizona we went. This time I was not as afraid. My time with the children had renewed and revived me. We had a few problems and Gary almost bled out on the operating table. Afterwards they sent us back to the hotel with instructions to watch for more bleeding and make sure to call 911 immediately because, as they put it, "it's a main artery and he could die in minutes if it's not stopped." You leave in a daze wondering if they understand that Real Estate Agent doesn't come under the medical care category. The first night I don't even sleep, I watch him sleep. The second night I hear Grandma saying, "God will not give you more than you can handle. He is with you." But I am not my grandma, I cannot let go of control and sometimes blind faith is more than I can comprehend. I guess you could say my husband put his faith in the doctors, I wasn't doing that either. By the third day there was no more signs of trouble. The blood had quit leaking out and so the plug had taken well. I finally relaxed, Gary slept a lot during that trying to regain his own strength. We enjoyed a week at a lovely condo in Phoenix. We visited with wonderful friends. We made beautiful memories. I am blessed.
A few weeks home and I find out that my baby brother is heartbroken. This woman that he loved, who he had lived with for almost 6 years and been married to just a few short months has decided she doesn't love him anymore. How does one recover from that? I wanted to choke her. I had loved her too. I called her sister. I trusted her with one of the most precious things of my life, my brother's heart. He was devastated and she was just ... well we won't go there. I drove down to spend some time with him. My mind reaching out to Grandma, "help us. Help me help him. I know you say God doesn't give us more than we can handle but this is too much." She whispered to my soul, "Be there, listen to him and let him talk." Sometimes I was able to do that but there were a lot of times I was trying to give Big Sisterly advise too. If I could have ripped her from his heart, I would have. If I could have erased her from his mind, I would have. But I have no magical powers so I hurt for him, that's all I could do. He did get stronger and he did recover and I did not kill her ... yet. I would not wish that confusion and pain on anyone except maybe her. I do hope Karma catches up to her.
Thanksgiving came and it was quiet, just family. It was Mama's favorite holiday and always brings memories of her. This was almost a repeat of the Thanksgiving following her death. It was sad and awkward, but we were all together and that's what mattered. Holidays can, at times, be like little shards of glass that stick in your heart when your hurting and bleed you dry. But then you can heal, make new memories and move on. For us this was part of the process.
My niece came up before we left for Georgia to make cookies and fudge with me. It had been a lot of years since I had done that. It was important for us both to have that time together. Again, a healing process. I love her with all my heart and I want her to feel she is always welcome here. She was able to take half of everything home with her and the rest was left for Rob to enjoy while we were gone. "Family is everything." Grandma whispers. Yes, I am blessed.
This would be the second year Rob wasn't going to be able to go with us to Georgia to see Rachel, Jacob and Phoenix. It's hard to be home alone for Christmas or any holiday for that matter but he had to work. I hate being torn between my children, I want to be with them both. We flew to Georgia and spent a week with the kids. Such a fast week but a pleasant one. We got to see the changes in the renovation Rachel is doing on her house. We spent our evenings in the family room sitting around talking, laughing and sharing. Homemade hot chocolate. Good food. Phoenix with his friend playing Xbox. Rachel and I watching classes on the laptop on various crafts or sewing projects. Gary reading a book and relaxing. Jacob explaining how Google Smart Home works. You leave with a warm heart, happy memories and a few extra pounds. It was a wonderful visit. I am blessed.
We flew home and spent New Year's Eve with Rob and New Year's Day. It was another quiet day but one we all enjoyed. Saying goodbye to 2017 isn't going to be hard. It was a year that held a lot of fear, pain, confusion and sadness in it as well as joy, laughter and bliss. Sometimes we have to hop on the roller coaster and ride it out because otherwise we'll miss all the good that came with the bad. Sometimes the roller coaster just has steeper hills and sharper curves than what we want to tackle but Grandma was right, "Something good could be waiting on the other side." Yes, Grandma, I am blessed.
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